Somebody recently told me that I always stand out in a crowd. I replied that “I was because nobody had offered me a chair” - Chita Heap Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw the statement. - Mark Twain Secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -Jimmy Durante I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. -Zsa Zsa Gabor My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. -Rodney Dangerfeild Money can not buy you happiness...but it does bring you a more pleasant misery. -Spike Milligan I am not afraid of dying but I would not want to be there when it happens. -Spike Milligan I would not want to join any organization that would consider having me as a member. -Groucho Marx How come, whenever you dial a wrong number it is never engaged? - Chita Heap
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